As I have mentioned before, I really felt like the Lord gave me the word "Courage" as a defining characteristic of this year. I honestly thought it was in regards to adopting our 3 very beautiful children from Ukraine, making our family grow from 5 kids to 8:) And then I found out I was surprisingly pregnant, and I thought for sure courage was something I would need to face the many who thought we had lost our minds!!!!:)
However, this word, "courage", has been a word I have come back to over and over again; yet, it is for a different reason that I expected. This year has been one of many ups and downs, causing me to cry out to the Lord, throw tantrums at times, and learn how to trust Him all over again. We have had to look many fears in the face, and say "NO, I will not be afraid". Our adoption has been delayed 3 times, and although I have had a very wonderful pregnancy, I have heard words like "hysterectomy and placenta previa", "steroids" and "early birth". None of them have at this point proven true. But every time the words came up, I have had one more opportunity to look fear in the face and say NO! I will not worry. I will not fear.
At one point even the adoption looked like it would certainly not happen. This was a fear I had not ever imagined facing. The possibility of losing children we loved. And I constantly had to come back to the word "courage".
Courage when I didn't want to. Courage when I was tired of the battle. Courage when I wasn't sure what the end result would look like. Courage when His will and mine seemed to battle it out.
It has been incredibly humbling, and I see the way the Lord has worked on my heart, my pride, my understanding, and my attitude. And through all of it, He has shown me more of Himself, and who I am in His eyes.
And honestly, I don't have that strength of my own accord. The verse that says His strength is made perfect in my weakness, is absolutely, hands down true. I CANT DO THIS ON MY OWN. And yet over the past few years, He has proven Himself over and over and over and over again. He is faithful. He can and will carry me. He will not leave me, and I will never be abandoned or alone. Every time I look at what He has done so far, I remember.
This is more of a reminder to myself than it is a blog:) I am learning, a constant work in progress. He is my King. He is writing a story that I could never write on my own, and Im starting to recognize that His story is the WAY better version. I want more of Him. I want to see His glory. And no matter the result, HE is good! And He alone can be trusted!